Heading closer into summer! Day two of clear blue skies and 80 degree temps. Planning a smallish gathering at my place for next weekend. Don's birthday coming up. A few high-ish profile gigs with the band planned for the summer. Lot's of time to wallow in my self-loathing.. oops, did I say that out loud? Ha! Just kidding. It comes, and it goes, you know. I have at least discovered the secret to getting out of that... get moving and do something, anything! Because if I just let myself sit and wallow at the many failures I see in myself, I really waste a lot of time. Best to distract my teeny tiny little brain with practical yet mindless activities and projects. If I could afford it, I'd go shrink it up again for awhile, like I did in my 20's. Or at the least, go get a professional massage! But, money is tight again, so it's back to the old life of Scrooge.
Many people use a journal to work out their stuff, too. I wrote a lot of journals back in the day. But once you get "happy" (i.e. a good solid working relationship, in my case), journal writing gets put on the shelf, at least it did for me. Then you might start blogging, but I'm not that comfortable working out too much stuff in this format. I mean, you don't want to bore your readers to death. When I started this blog, it was more like an update for a few people that came to my web site. A couple of friends, some family members, they'd come visit my site to see new photos and what not. So I switched to a blog format because it was simpler than updating in the (very simple) HTML I learned from Don. But after a while, I started getting readers from other blogs. Then it got a little more complicated for me. I surely was not going to sit and construct an essay to post everyday, that ain't how I roll. I'm a write it down and post it kind of gal. Minimal editing. I am the world's most impatient editor, in all areas of my life, I've noticed.
When I get down, I sometimes look for something or someone to blame. Ooh, those blind-eyed high school teachers. That's a favorite. Or how about blame it on the family, the parents? Too easy. No religion? But that bores me so. I never had children.. ... In the end, it always comes back to me. It's my own damn fault I'm not all I could be. But why? Then it all goes back to the beginning again, a circle of defeat. So, it's back to getting busy. See how I am? Is it working for me? I don't know, but unless I make some great leap of faith and change, I can't seem to bounce out of the self-pity/wallowing for good. Sometimes I fear I'm missing out, other times, I'm quite smug and satisfied with myself. Sigh.
Time to get busy now, I'm boring myself.
9 comments:
I don't know if it is what you want to hear or not but honestly, I look forward to all your posts. So you're getting that right.
Aw thanks so much, that's so nice! Naturally, I'm one of your biggest blog fans... You're so much fun. Thanks for reading by drivel in this post.. sometimes just writing helps shake off the bummers.. :)
for a while in my 20's i used to record a taped audio journal every night. I did it for about 10 years. i think if i ever popped those tapes in and listened to them now, id end up killing myself.
If you didn't die from embarrassment first! Painful! That's cool that you did that though.
Kate pop over to my blog when you get five minutes. You might have a new screen saver.. xxx
its funny. ya start a blog to let it all out. then people start to read it and ya pull it all back in again.
My thoughts exactly Joe. Wish I didn't care.
Real good post and honest self analysis, Kate. The thing about you is you are a real caring person with the emphasis on both those words: real and caring. It's normal at times to denigrate oneself, but action and things to do snap us out of it. You are right on target there, Kate, but the great thing about you is that you care and are kind and relate to people in a caring sensitive way. Can't knock that!
Gee thanks Wally, I mean Dad. Always helps to have supportive parents... Might not have had those traits as strong if it wasn't for steady, no-nonsense parents like you and Mom.
Post a Comment